Day 9

Snowballs & Tapestries

Do you know the saying that we can only see our lives like the underside of a tapestry, but GOD sees it from the top? That HE sees the beauty and the intricateness, but we see the snarls and knots? Well, from my perspective of very poor spiritual vision right now, I'd say my tapestry probably has more thread knotted on the underside than there is on top making anything pretty.

If life were like snow, I don't know if mine would be like a snow ball being packed harder and tighter, or if it's falling apart.  My health reaches its tentacles into every area of my life. I'm not the same person I was. Am I a more godly person? I don't think so. I wish it were so. Can GOD bring something out of it to glorify HIMSELF? Yes. But could YOU hurry up, GOD??? :o)

With everything around the house being broken or ready to be broken (insert Little Man's daily deeds here), with two kids getting ready to graduate after this year, not to mention all that I need to do to prepare for that, seeing if we can afford another car for when B shows her readiness and maturity, trying to decide what to do about Sammy (enter a three digit number here basically any time you go to the vet), paying bills and remembering to pay them, doing daily lessons amidst all the "life" that comes with three teens and a seven year old bundle of testosterone, knowing and hearing about my last grandparent beginning to decline more and being too far away to help any day of the week but wanting so badly to be there, missing some dear friends that I never get to see anymore, hurting all the time, trying to figure out how to teach at co-op well, not getting enough time with my steady, patient hubby, not sleeping well and trying to get everybody where they need to be, I'm not seeing a lot of beauty. Some days I feel like a snow ball that's been slammed onto a brick wall and is doing a fast 90* drop; other days I feel like I'm being crumbled between somebody's mittened fingers - and wool mittens at that. Where's Calgon nowadays anyway?

But GOD still has me here. HE got me through another day. I made it through Wal-Mart while talking to the vet without bawling. I've had the late evening to myself as the kids took a late trip to the grandparents so they can go to a Renaissance Faire tomorrow with their daddy. They made it safely there and were actually going to bed early. Now that's a miracle! :o) My computer hasn't died yet. I got to watch three documentaries that I wanted to watch. I have food to eat. I have an animal on each side of the room snoring away. HE is in the little things, yes indeed.


Day 8

"Anything I have, I don’t deserve.
Everything I have isn’t a given — it’s given.
Nothing is a given — everything’s a gift...

Who am I to complain in losses when what
I lost wasn’t mine to begin with?"

from Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com

In the rest of her post, Ann speaks of not having peace and quiet in her home. That is one thing I yearn for. Not total quiet, but rather, the absence of conflict, of the not-so-nice-words spoken, of the non-CHRISTlike tones that reverberate against these walls. But who am I to think I deserve "peace and quiet"? I know that HE wants our home to be loving, yes, but why do I think it's mine to have?



Day 7

Can you find GOD in a movie? I've been trying to watch a movie about Rich Mullins. I have some of his music; I've seen him in concert one time way back when I was in college. I don't know how accurate the film is, but when Rich hears Brennan Manning on a tape, he is so moved that he has to stop on the side of the road. If the film is accurate, he was a lonely man. He was a little boy longing for his father's love, and for whatever reason, his earthly dad would never give it to him.

I didn't grow up in that same environment, but I have always felt lonely. Different. Odd. Not fitting. Not the "join the crowd" kind of fitting in, but meshing with those around me - even in my own family. These last years have worn me down. Does GOD love me just as I am? I know I don't have to be perfect and accomplish this or that, but does GOD really love me just as I am with my stumbling over words and not figuring out what to say until it's too late? Does HE love me in my hermit-like state? How does HE delight in me when I see the world so differently? When what I mean as simply observation or opinion is taken as criticism or complaining?

This will take some time.


Day 6 But Should Be 10!

Oh my, how the days slip by! Between taking my Sammy dog to the vet, finding somewhere to wash clothes, running people to and fro, visiting family, and still being bone tired, it just got away from me. Wednesday was my birthday. It was a crazy day. But what GOD did for me that day made it a good one.

First off, Little Man finished up his sessions (IM Therapy). Wow. Amazing progress!

Secondly, my kids and hubby bought me the little things I like. They tend to buy me all different kinds of presents, but for me, it's the little ones that mean the most to me. A six-pack of Pepsi to help clear my throat after I eat (newest weird symptom). Hershey's with Almonds. Yummm. Almond Joys. It was special to me because they bought what I wanted. That may sound selfish, and I guess it is, but for them to go with what I want versus what they want to give me says to me that they know me, that they know it's the simple things that matter to me, that they know who I am. It's likely not coming out right...

My Little Mama who isn't so little anymore also made me breakfast in bed AND lunch! Roast that she got up at 5 am to make! Now, if you know anything about this child, you will know she's not a morning person!

Dear Hubby came home for lunch with a giant ice cream cupcake. It was good to see him in the middle of the day. Not the usual anymore. 

GOD is good because HE is big. But this GOD who is so big knows the tiniest little things about us.


Day 5

Oops! Yesterday got by me. My brain fog is thickening...

from Ann Voskamp @ www.aholyexperience.com

Living with "brain fog" is an aggravating, sometimes embarrassing condition. You can say something to me, and not two seconds later I've forgotten it. My memory used to be so keen... (sigh)

What is causing it? Is it a side effect of meds? Is it sleep deprivation? Is it fatigue? Is it this mysterious "condition" I have that no one knows what it is? I'm so tired of being tired. My life is confusing. I am constantly forgetting things. It's "out of sight, out of mind" for me. If I don't write it down and remember to look at the list, it's a goner. Chores? Oh, yeah...I haven't vacuumed in two or more weeks...hmm...

Yet GOD's grace covers me. I haven't forgotten my children. I remember to take care of the pets. LORD, be my reminder. Remind me to get in YOUR Word and bring it back to my mind when I need it. Remind of the things I really need to do today. Help me to focus on YOU and on the task at hand. Give my family understanding even though they've not experienced it. Give them compassionate hearts and willing hearts to serve. I would much rather be the one serving, but it's so lonely and isolating not to be understood, to be misunderstood. Take me by the hand and lead me through each day. Give me direction. Deliver me at the right time. Bring my lens into focus. Make it like YOURS.